Why I shouldn't love you
by nambnb
Summary: Barnaby made a list why he shouldn't love his partner since he is afraid about ruining their friendship if he dares act on his feelings. So he reads his list over and over again, adding things as they come to mind. But can that really keep him from feeling the way he does? And what would Kotetsu's reaction be if he ever found that list? Answered that prompt again here.


**_Reasons not to love Kotetsu-san:_**

_It would ruin our friendship._

_We are both men._

_He is about ten years my senior._

_He pries into my affairs too much._

_It could stimulate his overprotective urges all the more._

_He is too reckless._

_I don't even know much about him._

_He is a widower still wearing his ring (missing his wife)._

_He has a daughter and I'm no good with kids._

_He drinks too much._

_His humor drives me crazy most of the time._

_He cannot adhere to his deadlines._

_He..._

* * *

Barnaby sighed as his eyes ran over the list of reasons why he shouldn't love Kotetsu. He had started that list when he recognized his feelings for his partner were way stronger than for your average friend, even topping feelings for your BFF (not that Barnaby had much experience in this sector). He was attracted to the man physically, wished for him to touch him, to hug him, to do naughty things to him, anything as long as he did it as close as possible. And that was already a pretty weird thought for Barnaby to cross his mind, since he was the type to preferably avoid physical contact.

But since he had met Kotetsu he was forced to open up to the man and felt himself freed of a stasis that had entrapped him for such a long time. It just felt good being close to him, even if he was way off of Barnaby's idea about an ideal love partner. That kind of attraction overruled even the fact that they were both men even if Barnaby wasn't gay per se. He yearned for being close to him and thus he yearned for his touch, as well, easy as that.

But he simply shouldn't harbour such feelings for that man. It was a risky thing to fall for your workmate. It could destroy so much to act on his feelings, so many things Barnaby didn't want so loose, like the hard earned trust of his partner. How were they supposed to work with each other if there was always this tension between them that would clearly arise if Barnaby ever confessed to him and Kotetsu turned him down - which Barnaby was quite sure he woul do. He felt certain about being rebuffed for about 99 percent, but the remaining 1 percent was enough to let him think about the what-ifs. So to still that lingering delusion that he could ever succeed with his love, he wrote a list which would show him that falling for this guy - or more confessiong to him - was a bad idea.

But reading over it again and again and adding a thing whenever it came to his mind lead him to the realization that this whole list was just stupid. The main reason he had come to this conclusion was, that he had started a contra-list apart from his main one in his head. It mainly stated that most of the things he used as an excuse not to fall for Kotetsu were in fact not that important to him. Like: So what if he is a man; I can start to learn to know him better; I want to share my fears with him anyway; I like Kotetsu caring for me; I would break the old man's habit of drinking too much and so on and so far.

The only things remaining from being 'good reasons' were the one about a ruined friendship and Kotetsu still wearing his wedding ring. The last thing meant he still hadn't gotten over loosing his wife, right? Maybe Kotetsu was not ready for a new relationship yet, even if he had lost his wife over five years ago. Barnaby knew quite well that loosing somebody you loved didn't mean that you just stopped loving that someone.

And that argument about possibly loosing him as a friend was quite a hurtful thought, too. If he lost him as a friend, what was left of their relationship? Kotetsu treating him unfamiliarly was a terrible thought. Barnaby would be tossed back again into this world that seemed to exist solely of loneliness. He had managed to disguise his feelings with the mask of a popular hero, a ladies' darling and an excellent businessman, but when he returned home all that awaited him was cool air in an oversized apartment. He had wanted it that way, his room was designed not to distract him from the research on his parents' murderer, but the path was a lone one with a long wind needed for it. He had no support besides his determination.

If he had to compare the effect Kotetsu's presence had on him, it was like the sun warming up deep-frozen ice. It felt good and gentle and he craved it like a flower buried under tons of snow. If he were to loose Kotetsu again after all what had happened between them by now, he felt like he would crumble and wither.

Barnaby's eyes scanned the list again and before he knew it, he scribbled something at the edge of it while his eyes welled up with tears. Some salty drops fell on the white paper, moistening a few letters. As Barnaby read what he had written, he crumbled the list in his fist and tossed it in the direction of the wastebin, before roughly wiping his eyes with his arm and heading for the shower. A shower would do him good, yes, the hot water would calm him down and ease his pain.

And then he could welcome Kotetsu who had invited himself over ealier this day to have dinner and a few drinks with him as a friend.

Barnaby didn't expect a thing to happen that usually occured at such sporadic distances that it could be called almost impossible: Kotetsu was over-punctual by half an hour. The whole extent of that strange circumstance unfolded itself in the way that Kotetsu entered Barnaby's apartment with bags for preparing dinner before Barnaby was done showering. Not that he was not allowed to enter, Barnaby had given him his codes for the purpose of letting himself in if needed after all, but it was not planned that way. Kotetsu didn't bother to announce his arrival since he entertained the thought that surprising Barnaby would be a good idea. So the older man headed for the kitchen right away, after recognizing the sound of the shower running, and began unpacking his cooking ingredients when his view fell upon a crumbled ball of paper on the ground near the wastebin.

"What's this? Did he test a new recipe and was so frustrated to fail to dump it after only one try?" He snickered and bent down to reach for it. "Wouldn't surprise me. Well, let's see what was so hard for him to do."

Kotetsu unfolded the piece of paper and read the lines spread over it. But he didn't find any kind of recipe, instead he found a list entitled "Reasons not to love Kotetsu-san" and some notes following. Not bothering to stop at the word "love" or any context in general out of curiosity, his attention was directed at the message scribbled beneath all of it with a shaky handwriting and blurred at some points seemingly due to wet spots:

"I don't care! I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU!"

Kotetsu couldn't stop staring at these lines. Barnaby must have struggled quite a lot with himself to have been brought to the point of literally shouting out his feelings. Kotetsu sighed heavily, ran his fingers through his hair and took two steps back, eventually colliding with the countertop. As he untangled his left hand from his hair again, his eyes fell upon the ring on his finger and a sad smile began spreading over his lips. "Missing his wife", yeah it was true, but that was not what the ring was for right now. It was a reminder of the promise never to give up his job as a hero, even if it was hard and the world would not reward him for it. His late wife had told him to move on knowing she was going to die and so Kotetsu had moved on. And he was sure she would not want him to be lonely forever, since he knew better than anyone how much it had meant to her for him to be happy.

But Kotetsu had never so much as thought about finding someone else since she had left him and now a man like Barnaby cried out to him how much he loved him by chapter and verse. Kotetsu's eyes were unwittingly drawn to the line "We are both men.", but then he shook his head and tried to think about Barnaby as a person. His memories took him back to the beginning when that obnoxious rookie had nearly droven him crazy, but as time passed he had grown fond of him. He liked Barnaby, but if he were to describe their relationship it was that of a trusted colleague and a friend outside of work. Barnaby as a lover was out of his usual line of thoughts. But to Kotetsu's surprise it wasn't repelling to think about it, if anything it was... kinda cute that this tough and untouchable acting guy could harbour this kind of feelings for him.

An idea struck him and he fished for a pen in his pockets, folded the wrinkled piece of paper in half, so the clean back page was viewable and started to write. Then he put the note aside and turned his attention back to his ingredients to make lunch.

Barnaby didn't bother to hurry, since he knew from experience that Kotetsu was mostly going to be late for about fifteen to thirty minutes. So when he left the bathroom fully dressed, his hair styled and his formerly teary eyes dry again, he was surprised to hear the tv running in the living room. Checking up on it he found Kotetsu with a can of beer in his hand on his reclining chair.

"You are here already? Why didn't you say anything?"

The older man looked up and smiled. "Oh, Bunny, great timing! I think the food is still hot enough not to have to reheat it. Could you get the plates from the kitchen, please?"

Barnaby was quite baffled to be ordered around in his own home, but since Kotetsu had done his part of work already he thought it only fair to at least get the food. As he entered the kitchen his view fell upon the two covered plates on the countertop and the one with the note on top of it caught his interest. His name (or rather Kotetsu's name for him) was written on the sheet of paper and so he read the sentence following it.

"To Bunny: Nothing could ever ruin our friendship, but if you want me as your lover you'll have to make me fall for you first."

His heart skipped a beat after he had read the text once and it started to hammer like crazy after he read it a second and a third time. Then he unfolded the piece of papier since it dawned on him why it must have been so crinkled and why Kotetsu must have folded it instead of writing on a fitting piece of papier of his own instead.

Yes, it was his list. So yes, Kotetsu must have read it, all of it, including the part he had scribbled onto it before his nervous breakdown 40 minutes ago. And YES Kotetsu was not opposed to Barnaby loving him, quite the contrary, he gave him a chance to make him fall for him. Barnaby had to take a deep breath and decided for a tray to put the plates on to since he didn't trust his hands with a too straining hold on anything right now.

As he returned to the living room, Kotetsu faced him with the same kind smile from before and got up to pry the tray out of Barnaby's shaking hands.

"It's okay, Bunny, really." He looked at him with his warm honey coloured eyes. "I won't run away, you have all the time in the world and you don't have to start right now. Let's just eat first, okay?"

Barnaby nodded and failed to recognize the somewhat idiotic and unsure smile tugging at his lips and the heat that let his face compete with a tomato.

A chance was all he needed and he would make the best out of it.


End file.
